David Duchovny as a Vintage Crush is long overdue. I spent the better half of my first semester of graduate school watching every episode of the X-Files. Even the ones without Duchovny (Not worth it!). For the sake of this post, lets just pretend that Duchovny is exactly like his character Fox Mulder. Flawed, but in a way that is beautiful. Emotional, brooding, etc., etc. Ugh! I could go on forever about how much I love the Mulder character. Duchovny did one hell of a job making me fall in love with him. Stupid Scully!

The best part about David Duchovny is that he was hot in the 90′s. Do you know how hard that is to pull off? First, he had to deal with a pretty awful haircut. Second, those 90′s suits and jeans? Not flattering! Yet, he somehow manages to look good in them! There were a lot of things working against him. No matter how hard the 90′s tried, they just couldn’t make him not hot. That’s why he’s a Vintage Crush!

Some basics according to IMDB:

Full Name: David William Duchovny

Born: August 7, 1960 in New York City, New York, USA

Height: 6’1″ (almost) Tall and handsome!

Films/Television: He’s acted in 65 titles. He’s also a writer, director, and producer!

Fun Fact: He went to Princeton. Then he got his Master’s in English Literature from Yale! Then he started a Ph.D. at Yale, but left to pursue acting. According to Wikipedia (the source to rival all other sources), the title to his unfinished doctoral thesis was, “Magic and Technology in Contemporary Poetry and Prose”. I don’t even know what that means…but I bet it was going to be fantastic.

…and, YES. Plus, he has a sex addiction…so that might actually work in my favor!

Seriously, what is not to love about David Duchovny? He’s tall, he’s handsome, he’s super smart. He was in a pretty terrible awesome romcom called Return to Me.  He was also in Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead. This guy is pretty much the best. I also dare anyone to watch The X-Files and not fall in love with him. The whole backstory about his sister and how he is always rescuing Scully…it’s pretty much the best thing that there is. Also, The Red Shoe Diaries…erotic drama series anyone? Twin Peaks! The list could go on and on.

This song is too perfect. And very true…David Duchovny, why don’t you love me?

David Duchovny, hovering above me…sigh.

Have a great night everyone!

Eddie Bauer catalog, light of my life. This catalog is probably one of the best things that I get in the mailbox. Well, technically my roommate gets it in the mail and I hi-jack it. This is why:

I imagine this guy just pulled up to the dock outside of his remote cabin. I’m sure he built that cabin with his bare hands. He just needed a place he could retreat to, to clear his mind. He probably fell into a really great advertising job, but he missed working with his hands. That’s why he built the cabin. It has a working fire place and a Navajo inspired rug he sourced from a local village artisan in the southwest. The moment he arrives, he lights the fire and pours himself a tumbler of scotch. Then lays down on his vintage leather couch with a copy of Tender is the Night. There’s a knock at the door. He pads lightly over to the door and smiles when he sees who is standing there, “I thought you’d never get here.” He pulls her into the cabin by her waist, kissing her passionately. She sighs against his mouth, “You have no idea.” She grabs his scotch and takes a sip, letting the glass linger on her lips. He takes the glass from her hand and puts it on the hand-carved, oak side table. He pulls off his fair isle sweater and tosses it on the couch. He grins while he runs a hand through his hair. He lays down in front of the fire, extending his hand to her. She bites her lower lip as he pulls her down on top of him….

Huh? What was I talking about? Oh right. There’s also this guy:

I bet he’s a pilot. He owns a small plane. It’s May and he has some place to be. He absolutely can not be late. He hops into his plane and just flies. When he arrives, he just stands in the back, waiting. When the ceremony is over, he sees her talking with a few of her friends. He pushes through the crowd grabs her hand. She turns around and when she sees him, her eyes light up, “You made it! I thought you had a meeting.” He pulls her into him, “I wouldn’t miss this for the world. It’s not every day my girlfriend gets her Ph.D. ” She laughs, “I guess not! But how did you get here?” He brushes a strand of hair behind her ear, “I flew.” She puts her hands on his shoulders, “You flew?” He gently kisses the side of her mouth, “Of course I flew, I had to be here. I love you.”

And scene.

Seriously. This is how I spend my days. Waiting for the Eddie Bauer catalog to arrive in the mail so that I can make up romanticized stories about their male models. It’s not a bad way to live. Do you think if I called their customer service and asked for the names and phone numbers of these models, they would give them to me?

Anywhoo, here’s what you all came for. Or maybe not. I keep this up because it forces me to post and not give into my natural urge to lay on my couch and watch the rest of Wings.

2011-09-23 to Today

Wow. 42 people this week were looking for Jean Claude Van Damme in various states of undress. From just his underwear to his naked ass. I’m not surprised, it’s a nice ass. (Um…NSFW below!)

Picture courtesy of My New Plaid Pants

But come on you guys! He’s not a piece of meat! He’s a man, with feelings and thoughts. He definitely wouldn’t want us all sitting around our computers giggling about how hot is ass is. Ha! Who am I kidding? That’s all he wants us doing! Continue to titter away, internet!

jonathan frakes imdb What I love about this, is the person who typed this into a search engine, probably could have saved themselves like a fraction of a nano-second by just going to IMDB. I kind of hate it when people type a web-address into a search engine. That is what the address bar is for! Do people not know how to use the internet?! It’s been around for a while now, there are no excuses anymore. In one of my classes during my first semester of grad school, I sat next to a woman who tried to type an email address into the address bar. She also emailed the tech tutor to find out what a ‘web browser’ was. Of course she was in my group! The worst of it was that she tried showing me pictures of her kids. Take that nonsense elsewhere…I do not care about your children.

hilarious and negative and negative hilarious When I see this in the search terms, I like to pretend that my blog has a following. That people are reading this and then telling their friends, “oh hey, there’s this really cool blog out there called ‘Hilarious and Negative’, you should totally check it out. The chick who writes it, is so fucking hilarious and hot, I have no idea why she is single and hasn’t been snatched up by Ryan Gosling yet.” In fact, I’m pretty sure that’s how that is said every time. By me. Into my mirror in the morning.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll do something. Like go to a bar and buy an attractive stranger a drink. Or maybe I’ll just sit at home staring at my computer screen with a deadness behind my eyes, wondering what my life is becoming.

I also especially hate when professors form your groups for you. Do you want to know why? Because if I was able to choose my own group, I would definitely not have chosen as one of my members, THE GIRL WHO CAN’T CONTROL THE VOLUME OF HER VOICE and talks and talks yet there is nothing meaningful coming out. I have experience with this girl, because unfortunately I had to work with her on two projects last semester. One being where we had to write a paper together. Do you all know how awful that is? She was like backseat typist. Listen bitch, Mario fucking taught me how to type, I know what I’m doing.

This is going to be a long semester.

This Sunday, my gift to you is Michael Beihn!

I am naming Michael Biehn as a vintage crush, because I have loved him ever since I saw Terminator. Kyle Reese is probably one of my favorite characters in a movie. Mainly for delivering this line (scoot to about 51 seconds in):

When I was in high school, I wrote a speech for a competition about how Terminator was the greatest love story of our time. I still stand by this. HE TRAVELED ACROSS TIME FOR HER! The speech was pretty epic and went over well with my peers. I think the judges at the competition didn’t know what to make of it. Obviously, those judges had their heads planted firmly up their asses in the year 1984 when Terminator came out, otherwise I would have won.

Some basics according to IMDB:

Full Name: Michael Connell Biehn

Born: July 31, 1956 in Anniston, Alabama, USA

Height: 6′! Mama like.

Films/Television: He’s acted in 85 titles. Including Tombstone with fellow Vintage Crush, Val Kilmer. He’s also written and directed two things that no one probably cares about.

Fun Fact: Or ‘Sad Fact’…it said that the studio pushed for a nomination for best supporting actor for his role in The Abyss (excellent movie!) but he didn’t get it. Boo! He should have been nominated for Terminator.

…and, just tell me a time and place.

The last part of this is about to get to’ally nerdy.

“Was there someone special?” “Special?” “A girl, you know?”

“Sorry, I’m so sorry.”

So much pain.

 ”Pain can be controlled. You just disconnect it.” “So you feel nothing?”

“It was very old, torn, faded.”

“You seemed just a little sad.”

“I memorized every line, every curve.”

You don’t even want to know how much time I spent on that! But hey, at least I’m not making fan videos set to the music of Sarah McLachlan.

Have a good night everyone!

Like this for example:

“CARROT BOY PETER PAN HARRYS BUM , LIAMS BODY ZAYNS EYES NIALS SMILE COMEONE WHY ARENT THEY STILL TRENDING:(” This was a comment hoping to be posted on a ‘This Week in Searches‘, but obviously did not make it through the spam security guards. After googling a few of these terms, I discovered (Meaghan, P.I.I.) that it was the work of some rabid fans of a U.K. boyband called One Direction, to get these guys trending on Twitter. The fans call themselves “One Directioners”. I know which one direction they are all heading, nowhere, but I’m too kind to say. Apparently these guys finished 3rd on the 7th series of The X-Factor. Good for them!

I found this clip of one of their auditions:

My main reaction was, “what the fuck is this shit?” I mean, one of them has a single bloody tear dripping out of his eye. The other one has bite marks on his neck. Stop trying to Twilight “Total Eclipse of the Heart”! Show some respect to your elders, lads.

Then I watched this video and while I was also laughing, I thought, “hey this isn’t so bad”.

I’m definitely too old to like this shit. But part of me can’t help it! I’m so glad I have 15 year old boys telling me I’m beautiful without makeup and all that jazz, otherwise I’d be lost in this world. And let me just say this: their fans will never be anything compared to Backstreet Boys fans. KTBSPA!

I’m a little sad that now a small part of my brain is occupied with information about One Direction. I can’t get that space back.

This comment is pretty awesome, because it has nothing to do with the post the ‘person’ commented on: “I’d been hunting for some good guidance on bouquets when I came upon this site. You’ve some awesome information here, can i use some of this article on my personal flower blogging site? I would needless to say weblink here to allow folks can read the main post. Appreciate it either way.”

This was meant to be a comment on “Vintage Jonathan Frakes“! Sure you can use that on a personal flower blogging site, although I’m not sure what Jonathan Frakes has to do with bouquets. Maybe his beard has a special power that keeps bouquets alive longer? It makes total sense when you really think about it.

This one is my favorite because it’s spam, but it could also sort of not be…if I don’t think too hard about it. It was meant to be a comment on my first “Favorite Things” post: “Please tell me that youre going to keep this up! Its so great and so important. I cant wait to read far more from you. I just feel like you know so substantially and know how to make people listen to what youve got to say. This weblog is just also cool to be missed. Excellent stuff, really. Please, PLEASE keep it up!”

See?! It’s almost like it could be real and someone just really thinks this blog is super great. I mean, it is great and important. I do know so substantially (whatever that means) and I am pretty good at making people listen to what I have to say. This blog is too cool to be missed! I should just approve this comment so people will think that I am super, totally, so substantially cool, and excellent.

I mean, I am. Now I just need to start spamming other blogs with comments. Really drive the traffic up at old Hilarious and Negative.

]]> http://hilariousandnegative.wordpress.com/2011/09/24/favorite-thing-spam-comments/feed/ 0 modestmeaghan http://hilariousandnegative.wordpress.com/2011/09/23/this-week-in-searches-5/ http://hilariousandnegative.wordpress.com/2011/09/23/this-week-in-searches-5/#comments Sat, 24 Sep 2011 03:45:39 +0000 modestmeaghan http://hilariousandnegative.wordpress.com/?p=451 ]]> Alright, it’s Friday, it’s rainy, and I should probably be watching the two movies I have out from Netflix before it turns into Qwikster.

Let’s get down to business.

2011-09-16 to Today

Okay, it’s safe to say that Val Kilmer is killing it in search terms yet again. I won’t bore you with this anymore.

Here are some of my favorite search terms this week that led people over to Hilarious and Negative Land:

chan clon van dame sin ropa, yan clon bandam hot, and shaun claude van dam. Oh my god you guys! I laughed so hard when I saw these three egregious spellings of Jean Claude Van Damme’s name. Chan Clon? Also, I like how they were looking for Chan Clon without clothes on. Is this is a human hybrid of Jackie Chan and Van Damme? That would be interesting to see. Yan Clon Bandam is hot! Shaun Claude! Is he Irish? I love that you can type in some weird variation of Jean Claude Van Damme’s name and all the search results are for him. It’s like Google knows what the people want. I mean, I typed in ‘don clon vandan’ just for fun, and the first result is JCVD’s Wikipedia page! Priceless.

pictures of unicorns and rainbows. What? Are you in a fucking good mood or something? Get the fuck out of here. We only like unicorns and rainbows around these here parts when we are talking about someone blowing them out of their ass. I hope you learned your lesson!

luke perry gay or not. Never. And I just know it was a man searching for this information. You can’t have them all, okay? You already have some good ones, like Neil Patrick Harris, Ricky Martin, Rufus Wainwright, and B.D. Wong. Leave some for us.

man that nearly weighed a ton who was on tlc television show. I just like this because of how detailed the search was. I mean, TLC has really cornered the market on “documentaries” about morbidly obese people, so all you’d have to do is type, “TLC FAT GUY” and I’m sure you’d find what you are looking for. This is part of my new life as a library student. Helping people search for things.

Meaghan, P.I…I (Private Internet Investigator).

I’m naming Jonathan Frakes as a vintage crush, because a while ago I started watching Star Trek: TNG on Netflix to fill a nostalgic hole in my heart. I used to watch TNG reruns after school with my brother for the longest time, it was something we could both agree on. I remember thinking Commander Riker was pretty bad-ass and apparently as a young child, I had a thing for older guys with beards (still do?). Well, upon re-watching some episodes, the burning in my loins for Riker did not dissipate! He’s oddly passionate and stoic at the same time, sometimes he makes jokes; what more could a girl want?

Some basics according to IMDB:

Full Name: Jonathan Scott Frakes

Born: August 19, 1952 in Bellefonte, Pennsylvania, USA

Height: 6’4″!!!!!! He is ultimate man size!

Films/Television: He’s acted in 79 titles, directed 27 titles (including Roswell!), and has portrayed himself in 28 titles. My favorite is Beyond Belief: Fact of Fiction. I can never get enough of those corny reenactments.

Fun Fact: Apparently he went to Harvard to get a Master’s Degree! Also, according to imdb (reliable!) he is teaching at Rockport College in Maine…I must enroll there.

…and, ehhhh…I’m gonna say ‘no’ on this one. Now he sort of looks like that weird dad down the street that wears Hawaiian shirts. But if I had a time machine, I’d set that thing to 1988 fo’ sho’.

I leave you with the picture below. I don’t know who created it, but it is one of the best things that I have ever seen.

Enjoy your Monday everyone!

I don’t know what it is about obese cats that I love so much, but they are just so god damn amazing. I think being an obese cat is like the animal equivalent to a human wearing sweatpants to their office job; they just don’t give a fuck. Or their owners don’t give a fuck that they are basically killing their cat–it’s a fine line. However, look how cute they are! They look all surly and like they want a motorized scooter to get around in.

One of my favorite things about obese cats is when they meow. It doesn’t really sound like a “meow”. It ends up sounding more like a “mow”. Like they don’t even have the energy to meow properly and they don’t care. They aren’t trying to please anyone.

I leave you with this video. I can’t decide if it is some weird kind of animal fetish porn or not. But boy does this obese cat love to luxuriate!

Weekly search time!

2011-09-09 to Today

Good lord, Val Kilmer is still in the lead for getting people here. 151 (these numbers might be off, I navigated away from the stats screen and then came back and things were different) searches for him led people to Hilarious and Negative this week. Apparently he has nine projects in the works, including The First Ride of Wyatt Earp. This will probably be amazing! “I’m your huckleberry”! I hope that line gets repeated over and over again for 2 hours. Van Damme is a distant second with 75 searches. I think the fact that he is going to be in the next Expendables movie, is doing this blog a huge favor.

Some of my favorites this week:

People are searching for Gwildor! This warms my heart. Gwildor is awesome. I bet this blog would be even more popular if this were the mid-to-late 1980′s.

Someone was searching for “ventriloquist’s dummy”. I hope it’s not the guy that sent me a message on OkCupid. If it is, I’m kind of scared. Both he and the dummy had a crazy look in their eyes. Like kidnapping and murdering was something that they find perfectly normal.

“headbands that go across your forehead”. All I have to say to the two people that were searching for this particular headband style: Don’t do it. You will look like a jackass and someone like me will write a blog post about how idiotic you look and how annoying you are. Don’t let your life come to that. Plus, it’s going to leave marks across your forehead and dent the back part of your hair. Not a good look. You will look like a schmuck.

“fatty sex”. Yes, fat people have sex. Just ask Manuel.

“mom and dad do sex”. I wonder how this led one person to Hilarious and Negative. I hope it’s not some poor child seeking advice after catching his or her mom and dad in the act. They ain’t getting no comfort or help from this blog.

“another exciting friday night”. Right there with ya buddy.

and my favorite…

“text girl ok ill give you a call this weekened”. YES. And if you do text this girl that you will call her this weekend, actually call her. Don’t just say, follow through. You can do this, it isn’t scary. When you like someone, let them know for Christ’s sake. Don’t just leave it hanging there. Young men of the world, be decent.

I’m watching more episodes of Wings…another exciting Friday night indeed.